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  LDS Humor

I welcome contributions I am especially looking for funny things adults did as children, church bloopers and funny things kids say. 

Please email me at ddcoe@msn.com

 

Laughter

The most useless day of all is that in which we have not laughed.
    
We are told that laughter is sunshine filling a room.  And where there is laughter, there also is life.
    

They say that people who laugh a lot live longer than do the sour-faced.


When we laugh together, gratitude comes more easily, companionship thrives, and all praise is sincere.
    
Laughter brings us joy that cannot be bought.  Such joy is with us throughout each day.  To hoard joy, to hide it away deep within us away from others, will make us lonely misers.
    
We cannot buy or trade for joy, but we can give or receive it as a gift.

Laughter's joy celebrates the moment we are living right now.  It is a gift we must share, or it will wither and die. Shared, it grows and thrives, and always returns to us when we need it most.

(author anonymous)

 

Things That Should Be Heard More Often at Church

1. The only problem we had on the scout campout was that after all the meals every scout wanted to wash all the dishes, especially the pots and pans. It was hard getting them to wait their turn.

2. We were enjoying the meeting so much that we didn't even notice that it had gone 15 minutes overtime.

3. We'll go ahead and start the meeting early today since everyone is already here and in their seats.

4. So many sisters volunteer to help with every compassionate service project, that not everyone gets to help each time.

5. Almost the entire ward comes to our child of record baptisms.

6. Our large Deacon's Quorum sits so still during their class and raises their hands to participate, that getting to teach their class is the most coveted position in our ward.

7. We have a hard time filling positions in Relief Society because all the sisters want to teach Primary, especially the Nursery and Sunbeam classes.

8. We love to get to church early because our favorite front bench pew is always taken if we aren't extra early.

9. The whole congregation heard and enjoyed the prelude music.

10. Filling all the positions in Cub Scouts has never been a problem.

11.  Men's Basketball is so much fun! Such good sportsmanship!  Everyone is there to have a good time and there's no fighting.

12.  We have so many people signed up for this month's Temple trip that we need to hire a second (third?) bus.

13.  The family history class will be canceled until new people move into the ward as all the current ward members have finished tracing all of their ancestors.

14.  Heard from the Executive Secretary. . ." Statistics are the same as usual, Visiting Teaching 100%, Home Teaching 100%, Sacrament Meeting attendance 100% Primary attendance 100%, etc.

15. I love being Primary president -- people are always so willing to help out on Sunday and quarterly activities are a breeze because so many adults beg to help out.


This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletin and Service bloopers:

 

When I was a Rick's college, they announced as the opening hymn: "Hark, the Herald Angels Sin"  Lesli Jenks

Ward Adult Valentine's Activity: bring your favorite game and a spouse of a friend for a great time!     Feb '98
 

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

 Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.

 Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

 For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

 Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

 Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club. All ladies wishing to become "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

 This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

 The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

 Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

 A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

 The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

 At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

 The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."

 The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

 The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet": in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

 The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

 Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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E X C U S E S,   E X C U S E S !

  Tired of hearing the same, time-worn excuses for why
people don't attend church services, the Rev. Sudney Laing
of Dublin, Ireland, wrote this humorous piece for his parish paper

"Ten Reasons Why I Never Wash"

  1.    I was made to wash as a child.

  2.    People who wash are hypocrites; they reckon they are cleaner than other people.

  3.    There are many different kinds of soap; I could
         never decide which one was right.

  4.     I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.

  5.    I still wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.

  6.    None of my friends wash.

  7.    I'm still young. When I'm older and have got a
         bit dirtier I might start washing.

  8.    I really don't have time.

  9.    The bathroom's never warm enough.

10.    People who make soap are only after your money.


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NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP

Author Anonymous

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot

May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!

 

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Actual Quotes:


"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what . . . is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,  1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.  The device is inherently of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.  Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s

"Who the h--- wants to hear actors talk?"
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment.  The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3M "Post-It" Notepads

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DEAR GOD
Author Unknown

Dear God,

So far today,
I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped.
I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't lied or cheated.
I haven't been greedy, grumpy,
nasty, selfish or overindulgent.

I'm very thankful for that.

But in a few minutes, Lord,
I'm going to get out of bed;
and from then on, I'm probably
going to need a lot more help.

Amen

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The Bible According to Kids

The cute statements below are said to have been written by actual students
and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected:

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In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off.

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Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

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Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

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Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

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Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

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The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
the unsympathetic Genitals.

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Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like
Delilah.

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Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

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Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

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The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.  Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

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The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

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The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

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The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

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Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

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The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still
and he obeyed him.

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David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

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He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical
times.

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Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

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When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

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When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the
manager.

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Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

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St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

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Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they
do one to you.

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He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

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It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.

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The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

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The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

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One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

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St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.  He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage.

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A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

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Cartoons

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ACTUAL INSTRUCTIONS...

ON A HAIRDRYER:
  Do not use while sleeping.
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ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary.  Details inside.

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ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions:  Use like regular soap.

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FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION:
Defrost.

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ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
Fits one head.

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ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

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ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.

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ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not Iron clothes on body.

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ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

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ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.

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ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning: Keep out of children.

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ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

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ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.

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ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts

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ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

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ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

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GRAMMER MADE EASY IN TWENTY-THREE STEPS
or HOW TO RITE RITE 

(Author Unknown)

  

   1.Don't abbrev.

   2.Check to see if you any words out.

   3.Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.

   4.About sentence fragments.

   5.When dangling, don't use participles.

   6.Don't use no double negatives.

   7.Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.

   8.Just between you and I, case is important.

   9.Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.

  10.Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.

  11.Its important to use apostrophe's right.

  12.It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.

  13.Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.

  14.Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should

begin with a capital and end

     with a period

  15.Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.

  16.In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas

to keep a string of items apart.

  17.Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.

  18.Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

  19.Avoid unnecessary redundancy.

  20.A writer mustn't shift your point of view.

  21.Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.

  22.A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.

  23.Avoid cliches like the plague.


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Humorous Quotes

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Fran Lebowitz

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Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Mark Twain

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During his 1956 presidential campaign, a woman called out to Adlai E. Stevenson "Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!"

Stevenson called back "That's not enough, madam, we need a majority!"

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"I respect a man who knows how to spell a word more than one way." -- Mark Twain

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My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Orson Welles

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Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby. -- Anonymous

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Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. -- Anonymous

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An accountant is a person hired to explain that you didn't make the money you thought you did.

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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

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Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

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To ere is human, to forgive is not library policy.

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If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out? (Will Rogers)

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You're never alone with schizophrenia. - Anonymous

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Students today can't prepare bark to calculate their problems. They depend upon their slates which are more expensive. What will they do when the slate is dropped and it breaks? They will be unable to write!
- Teacher's Conference, 1703.
Students today depend upon paper too much. They don't know how to write on a slate without getting chalk dust all over themselves. They can't clean a slate properly. What will they do when they run out of paper?   --Principal's Association, 1815.

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Don't approach a goat from the front, a horse from the back, or a fool from any side. (Yiddish proverb)

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University President: Why is it that you physicists always require so much expensive equipment? Now the Department of Mathematics requires nothing but money for paper, pencils, and erasers . . . and the Department of Philosophy is better still. It doesn't even ask for erasers. - Told by Isaac Asimov

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You're aware the boy failed my grade school math class, I take it? And not that many years later he's teaching college. Now I ask you: Is that the sorriest indictment of the American educational system you ever heard? [pauses to light cigarette.] No aptitude at all for long division, but never mind. It's him they ask to split the atom. How he talked his way into the Nobel prize is beyond me. But then, I suppose it's like the man says, It's not what you know...
- Karl Arbeiter: former teacher of Albert Einstein

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What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive? (Irv Kupcinet)

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It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. (Mark Twain)

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Sanity is a madness put to good uses. (George Santayana)

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"What do you take me for, an idiot?;" (General Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970), when a journalist asked him if he was happy)

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It's good to know that if I behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for me. (Ashleigh Brilliant)

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Money is the root of all evil, and yet it is such a useful root that we cannot get on without it any more than we can without potatoes.
Louisa May Alcott (1832-1888) - American author

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You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond reasonable doubt. (Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict)

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As Children We. . .

 

 

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LINKS

(* Indicates it is mainly an LDS site)

LDS Humor*Lots of Good humor at this site so be sure to go to it!

Genealogy Taglines:  Cute one liners for geneologists

Mormon Jokes -- Lots of cute jokes

Thirteen Articles of No Faith*Humor (and too much truth) about Genealogy and what many members believe (but shouldn't).

The John Bytheway Homepage* :John Bytheway has made several tapes for youth and really adults also. He has a great way of explaining the gospel with lots of humor and in a way anyone can understand and relate it.

CARTOONS FOR TEENS by Randy Glasbergen˙ :Cute cartoons about the kinds of things teenagers face such a zits, school, etc.

Diet, Health and Fitness Cartoons by Randy GlasbergenyMore cartoons from the same cartoonist! These are of course about diet and health. It was fun to see a lighter side of these.

Science Humor Webring

Deseret 'toons : Cartoons by one of Deseret News' free lance cartoonists

Reader's Digest MagazineHere you'll find more than 4000 of Readers Digest humorous stories -- all nicely categorized too!

Laughter, the Best MedicineReader's digest from the UK

Feared Final Exam QuestionsThese questions may not be ones from real final exams, but from some of the exams I have taken, it seems like they could have been.   Anyone who has every been in school and taken final exams would enjoy these.

Kids.Say.the.Darndest.Things Humorous things kids have said

Parental written School ExcusesHave you ever not been thinking when you wrote a not for your child to be excused from school? Well your not alone as this site shows.

 

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chbulltn.txt at www.hvt.ee.ethz.ch

 

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Last modified: May 14, 2002